Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Commencement Address for High School

Ah, graduation day. After twelve years of enduring annoying teachers, nagging principals, poisonous canteen food, and traumatic insults thrown at you by your peers, you’ve finally made it! And how are you compensated? You are buried with a flurry of meaningless statistics by a dull, sullen and boring alumni member who’s as exciting as Stephen Hawking! Even worse he pretends like life is good from here on in, instead of giving you the straight truth about your impending miserable journey into adulthood, as I do in...

Ladies and gentlemen of the Class of 2009 batch...the future is yours! 
Mainly because the rest of us don’t want anything to do with it! Global warming, overpopulation, biological warfare, financial’s really going to be dreadful!

And graduation is a time for celebration.
Like celebrating the fact that YOU didn’t have a single classmate go off the edge and hack you all down with a pen knife in the classroom!

You, the Class of 2009 batch, are truly special, for you are the class of the new millennium. 
And, more importantly, you will never have to listen to all that “Bridge the 21st century” turd from politicians, advertisers and every other company trying to con money out of you!

As you embark on your journey into a new era, ask yourself: “What am I taking away from my School years”? A little wisdom..? A little maturity..?
Perhaps a little infection from your boy/girlfriend who swore he/she was a virgin..?

Whatever else you take away, you’re taking away an important piece of paper called the high school degree! 
Which, thanks to decades of dumbing down by our nation’s educators, has as much hope as finding a cure for HIV-AIDS? Not that it matters, because all the jobs you’ll be competing for won’t be worth a flying %$^& anyway!

Once you have the degree in hand, people will tell you to reach for the stars- to strive to be the best you can be. 
Those people are idiots, ‘because you could study for the next 1,000 years, but unless you miraculously happen to have super-skills there’s not a chance in hell, you will be the next Lionel Messi, Steve Jobs or Steven Spielberg. Face it; it’s over before you know it!

The glory of success is there, waiting for you to grab it! 
Actually, the “glory of success” is waiting to be grabbed by the 2% of your classmates- the really geeky, nerdy ones who actually did their homework and sucked up to the teachers- who might buck the trend and achieve fame, wealth and power…only to be struck down in the prime of their lives by cancer, an early heart attack, a car crash or a run-in with someone from the other 98% in a street fight. So you see, life IS fair after all!

Whatever you decide to do, hold onto your dreams… 
They might provide some measly bit of comfort after the world has beaten you down!

…and never be afraid to try and perchance, to fail.
cause no matter how bad you blow it, at least you won’t be as pathetic as these geezers in the front row from the classes of '87,'88 and '89 who have nothing better to do than fill their few remaining days by coming back to their old school and spending three hours - just to get some cheap applause for not having croaked yet!

In closing, since I’m sure a few of you are in a hurry to meet your future head-on… 
In a fatal drunk driving accident after getting sloshed at the graduation party…

…let me just say: good luck. I hope my advice be of value to you. 
Although I doubt it, because if I were any good at this sort of thing, I’d be sitting at home, instead of gazing out upon this sea of void spaces between your ears, barely making enough for taxi fare to get me out of here.

Thank you. 
Go to hell.


Faiyaaz said...

Haha...hilarious dude. Loved the speech and your take on it. Keep it coming man!

Arvind said...

dude! nice one there... but I think you and the speakers are speaking on 2 extremes..... you've taken a completely pessimistic attitude towards life and he's been so optimistic.... so i think a blend of the two would have been a good speech. and yea they do make these speeches on graduation day which is why during our graduation we spiced up ours by doing a small drama type thing where everyone spoke a line or 2... will get the script if i find it somewhere..

Rich said...

i like it...reminds me of the IIT questionnaire :)