Friday, November 09, 2007

IIT-JEE unleashed

Start early.. very early.

Mathematics

1. Calculate the amount of peer pressure applied to get someone to drink in high school. You may use either Torr or PSI in your answer.

2. Write out, on the back of your paper, all possible answers for the equation x=x.

3. Calculate the fraction of fat taken out of Angelina Jolie's buttocks and re-injected it onto her lips.

4. Explain Fermat's equation using only the margin after listening to senseless, meaningless, tasteless heavy metal at 200dB.

5. How many beef burger patties can India export and feed all the hungry people in the nation with the foreign exchange earned? Assume that number of cows is equal to 200 million. Bonus marks for answering Foreign Exchange in Turkish Lira.

6. Coffee has loads of caffeine. Caffeine makes you stay awake. Calculate how many cups of coffee are required to keep you awake for the rest of your life without feeling sleep deprived.

7. Express the colour pink as a function of x; i.e. f(x).

8. If someone seated next to you in an A-320 aircraft, has an orange juice at (n-4)th second and farts at (n+4)th second, find out the time taken for the oxygen mask to fall on to your face.

9. Count the number of hair follicles in your scalp in write down the answer in your sheet giving suitable derivations and justifications before time is up.

10. If you are watching an England v/s Portugal football game, what is the probability that David Beckham will smash the ball into orbit while taking a penalty kick. Assume that the angle is -34 degrees from the ground.

11. Billy is eating a ham sandwich at the rate of 2 bites per minute. In what time, will the people watching him eat get frustrated? You can use threshold energy concept.

12. When will the head of a sales clerk at Virgin explode when he/she realizes that you have dropped a CD of Marilyn Manson and a CD of Backstreet Boys on the counter?

13. Calculate your body mass index(BMI) without using your weight and height.

14. Beatrix has a sack containing blue balls, red balls, green balls, black balls, white balls, orange balls, purple balls and pink balls. Find out the probability of finding a colourless ball when a blindfolded Harry rummages through the sack.

15. At what age are you going to realize that life actually sucks? Use Fourier series only.

16. Find the number of burnt effigies of Indian cricketers when they put up a yet another spineless display.

17. Give reasons to prove that 0/0 is not equal to 1.

18. How long does it take for the kids to do all the things their parents did including having kids?

19. Sum up the casualities of all Wars since the inception of mankind on the face of the planet. Use your statistical knowledge and prove the relation; WAR = PEACE and FREEDOM = SLAVERY.

20. Mathematically speaking, calculate the agony when you realize that you have not cleared the IIT-JEE paper.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Physics

1. A 'black hole' is a collapsed star in space with a gravitational pull so strong even light cannot escape from it. If such a gravitational pull existed on earth,speculate on the amount of medical damage you would suffer if you ever accidently dropped a screwdriver on your big toe.

2. Copernicus discovered in the 16th century that the earth slowly rotates on its axis. Using dates and innovations to support your case, historically trace how Copernicus's discovery eventually led to "Theatre-in-the-round".

3. Light travels at the speed of 300,000 km per second. If Tata Motors ever produced a car that would travel this speed, explain why it would (or wouldn't) be a waste of money to put headlights on the car.

4. Explain the mechanics of 'the sudden hot to cold switching shower' phenomena.

5. Imagine a colour that no one has ever heard of, or seen it. Name it.

6. State and derive Newton's fourth law of motion.

7. Quote the bible and justify the statement that the earth is the center of the universe.

8. A postman of mass M is hanging on a tree at a height of 1.8 meters from the ground to escape from a ferocious and tenacious doggy. The mass of the doggy is 0.75M. Calculate all the possible values for the angle and the run up distance for the doggy to have a successful chomp on the postman's rear side.

9. Astrophysics. Imagine a time soon in the future when our own sun becomes a red giant. As the sun approaches the earth, calculate the number of buckets of water required to be poured on the sun to save the planet earth. Assume 1 bucket = 17 litres.

10. Perform a miracle. You will be awarded extra marks for creativity.

11. Describe the universe; give four examples.

12. Consider the fact that the universe is infinitely expanding. Now, with that in consideration, deduce the location of the edge of the universe in 4 years, 2 months, 9 days, 4 hours, 30 minutes, 2 seconds, and 7 deciseconds.

13. Devise a device by which you can attract all the hotties towards you and hence be dubbed as the 'babe magnet'.

14. If you start digging a hole somwhere near Shanghai in China, explain for what solid angle and velocity can you reach Sao Paolo (Brazil) the following day.

15. Nuclear Physics. Create a fusion reactor without destroying the whole world.

16. Acoustics. Why do your neighbours tend to exhibit homicidal behaviour when you turn up the volume of your boom-box? Also plot a graph between Kills v/s dB. Comment on the result.

17. "Light is the absence of darkness". Prove that this statement is false.

18. The escape velocity of Earth is 11.2 km per second to escape from the planet's gravitational field and 47.5 km per second to escape from the solar system's gravity field. Is that why you are still stuck in this planet of miserable-no-good losers?

19. Explain how you can combine a century old butter scotch ice cream and blitzkreig blue Gatorade to create "cold fusion".

20. Perform this. Remove all the components of an alarm clock and re-insert the components in such a way that time actually goes backward and you can travel back in time.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chemistry

1. Inject 1 mL of cyanide into your veins each minute and record your observations. Ask the invigilator for the required material.

2. List all the pesticides, insectides, anti freeze agents, drugs, acids, poison present in soft drinks such as Pepsi and Coca Cola.

3. Mix concentrated nitric acid and concentrated hydrochloric acid in 1:3 volumetric proportion. Throw this freshly prepared solution on your nearest neighbour and note down his/her reactions.

4. Calculate the rate constant for the following statement and hence the relation. Also using body metabolism rate, find out the order of the reaction.
'Today's shit is yesterday's food.'
Food ----> Shit
k= ?

5. Prove that Avogadro's number works for every damn thing in this world.

6. Using fertilizers and diesel fuel only, show that explosives can be manufactured. Warning to test takers: Do not refer to the ANARCHY'S COOKBOOK.

7. Work this out; which people when put together prove to be an explosive combination.

8. Why should you transfer chemicals using your mouth as a pipette?

9. To which group does Panterium, Sepultron and Megadethium belong to?

10. State and write down the temperature and pressure conditions for BOTOX reactions.

11. Use Heisenberg's Principle of Uncertainty and prove that your father-in-law is actually a robot in disguise.

12. Write an essay in not less than 500 words stating that Chemistry is not as boring as you think after seeing re-runs of Dexter's laboratory.

13. Calculate the rate of tan when a caucasian goes for sunbathing. Use colorimetry for obtaining the final solution.

14. Take a magnifying glass and focus all the sun rays on to one particular point on the skin. Calculate the amount of Vitamin D formed in 30 minutes.

15. Prove to us, as to how you will prevent a world wide domination by mad scientists.

16. Name all the chemicals constitute CHEMICAL X out of which the power puff girls were born into this world.

17. Explain why water spills on your body is removed by the application of concentrated sulphuric acid.

18. What is the atomic weight of Billium?

19. List all the toxic gases present in 'anal vapour'.

20. Tobacco is a proven insecticide. Does that mean that whenever you smoke, you fumigate yourself?

Friday, September 28, 2007

Cliché Script For VH1’s Behind The Music

If you’ve ever watched VH1 for more than oh, 10 minutes, you’ve seen one of its irritating Behind The Music specials – one hour “rockumentaries” looking back on the fast times and high life of some washed-up music star. At first glance, they seem like painstakingly researched, carefully written shows. But watch a couple of them, and you’ll start to notice that no matter who the show is about, every subject’s story is eerily similar to everyone else’s.





 

VOICE OVER: Even when (ROCK STAR) was a child, there was something that separated (HIM/HER) from the rest.

***

UNKNOWN FAMILY FRIEND: (HE/SHE) always wanted to be the centre of attention. We all knew right then that (ROCK STAR) would leave (HIS/HER) mark on the world.

***

VOICE OVER: (ROCK STAR)'s stormy years provided much of the inspiration for lyrics that would one day address the angst, insecurities and uncertainties of a future generation.

***

FORMER HIGH SCHOOL BOY/GIRLFRIEND: In high school, (ROCK STAR) just felt alienated from everyone- parents…peers…even members of the opposite sex. But looking back, I think that alienation made fertile ground for (HIS/HER) creative seeds.

***

VOICE OVER: Despite the lack of support from (HIS/HER) family and the overwhelming odds against success in the competitive music industry, (ROCK STAR) was prepared to face the struggle head on.

***

VOICE OVER: Just when it seemed all hope was lost, (ROCK STAR)'s long waited first opportunity came knocking.

***

SOME RECORD GUY: When I first 'eard (ROCK STAR)'s demo, I knew ('E/SHE) had something out of the ord'nary. I thought, "Who is this (GUY/GIRL)?"

***

ROCK STAR: I couldn't believe it. After all the lonely nights, missed meals and weeks without a paycheck I finally landed at number 17 on the Billboard charts. Here's me (ROCK STAR), the awkward (BOY/GIRL) from the mean streets of (ROCK STAR'S HOME CITY), and now I'm a star…literally overnight.

***

VOICE OVER: But all (HIS/HER) time on the road, coupled with the demands from promoters and the record company, was beginning to take its toll on (ROCK STAR)'s marriage.

***

VOICE OVER: As (ROCK STAR)'s fame skyrocketed beyond (HIS/HER) dreams, every form of pleasure fell easily within (HIS/HER) reach.

***

SOME ROADIE: There was a lot of sex. Let me just say that - there was a lot of sex. I mean, any (WOMAN/MAN) was at (HIS/HER) fingertips.

***

ROCK STAR: I'd roll into town for the concert and I couldn't even get to my hotel room without bodyguards. There were (GIRLS/GUYS) swarming me at every turn. It was crazy. It was really cool at first, but after awhile…I'm just a human being, man."

***

VOICE OVER: Always in constant supply was alcohol - and drugs.

***

ROCK STAR'S SECOND BASS PLAYER: At first it was just one big party, you know? We had some crazy times, man. We didn't think about tomorrow, we were having too much fun.

***

VOICE OVER: Constant media attention, coupled with the temptations brought on by the seemingly always present groupies, began to take its toll on (ROCK STAR)'s third marriage.

***

VOICE OVER: On the outside, (ROCK STAR) had everything one could ever want. But on the inside, (HE/SHE) was trapped in a personal hell brought on by drugs and alcohol.

***

ROCK STAR: Those were the tough times. It became harder and harder to top my previous success. It used to be my dream to be in the spotlight, and all of a sudden I couldn't get out of it.

***

VOICE OVER: (ROCK STAR)'s depression over declining record sales, coupled with the increasing hold drugs and alcohol had over (HIS/HER) life, began to take its toll on (ROCK STAR)'s fifth marriage.

***

ROCK STAR'S FORMER BEST FRIEND: (HE/SHE) wasn't the same person anymore. (ROCK STAR) was exhausted from life on the road and felt that the industry was ignoring (HIM/HER). Finally, (ROCK STAR) called me one day and said, "I'm taking a break, man. I have to find the individual who's been lost for years on a rock and roll roller coaster."

***

VOICE OVER: Something inside (ROCK STAR), however, couldn't keep (HIM/HER) out of the spotlight for long. When (ROCK STAR) played the first night of (HIS/HER) comeback tour, the critics listened and the record company executives crossed their fingers. But one thing was clear: (ROCK STAR) was back.

***

VOICE OVER: Today, (ROCK STAR) leads a life that bears little resemblance to the years that most will remember (HIM/HER) by. (HE/SHE) hasn't touched drugs in years and all those groupies have been replaced by (HIS/HER) sixth (WIFE/HUSBAND) and love of (HIS/HER) life, (SPOUSE'S NAME).