Monday, February 28, 2011

UNarticle: The A - Z of U.N.

As the world rolls slowly on towards its almost certain doom, we leave far behind us the gentler era of our parents and grandparents, that era in which restraint was a virtue and saying exactly what one thought was simply not comme il faut.

But now, anger is given free rein, tongues are unleashed, the dogs of war are let loose to savage the ankles of any who cross us. Displaying equanimity in the face of adversity is a commendable quality and these are times when one has to give vent to one’s true feelings and come out openly and call a steaming pile of excrement a steaming pile of excrement without mincing words. With that in mind, let the assault commence:


I admit to the fact that I made up the last one to preserve the essence of the article.

Sunday, February 06, 2011

A Tribute To Rafael Benitez

Author's note: This is not my work so I can't take any credit for this.

A change, 2004, in our man came,
Uefa, and two La Ligas he'd claimed.
Rafael Benitez was the new man,
To win the league title, that was the plan.

Let's start from the top, new signings to come,
And out with a Judas, who later turned scum.
The first league campaign was no great success,
But please wait right there, while I tell you the rest.

The road was no easy towards Istanbul.
Some Greeks came traveling, Anfield was full.
Yet at half time, we're down in the dump,
But come 90 mins, we're back with a thump.

It was the Captain, who made us say wow,
Ya Beauuuty, take a bow son, take a bow.
Thats the group stages done, off they could trot,
Ready and confident, to take on the lot.

First were the Germans, six was the sum,
Lil Luis scored most, sucking his thumb.
Next some Italians, based in Turin,
Beaten by Luis, with help from big Finn.

Next came opponents back on home soil,
By the end of the game, tempers reached boil.
Did it go over? We'll never know,
What was to follow, thats just Mourinho.

Ghost goal maybe, but we didn't care,
Off to Istanbul, Milan waiting there.
First half was poor, and not without blunder,
But at 45, Rafa worked wonders.

Up till the pens, lead by a hero,
The score rose to three, from a pitiful zero .
Then came the pens, fans didn't dare look,
But those brave boys, good penalties they took.

And when that great Pole, saved from Shevchenko,
It cued the party, Liverpool went mental. 

So what a tale, and thats what you can achieve,
When you have that special man, who makes you believe.
So walk on Rafa, good luck, conquer the seas,
Because in our red hearts, you always shall be.

The Evolution of Balls

A lot of people are complaining about the current World Cup Balls. No surprise, like everything balls are constantly evolving.

I was reminded of this on a trip to my uncle’s house this weekend. If you walk in my uncle’s house the first thing you'll notice is my uncle's old balls on display up-front.

He's proud of the old heavy-leather things. Although a little fuzzy and worn from years of being played with, they're actually quite interesting to look at.

Compared with my own, the first thing you'll notice is how unsymmetrical they are, the second is the stitching up the side tied together with laces. This stitching again highlights their eccentricity.
My uncle talks of the old glory days when someone might get the painful sting of laces in the mouth if the ball curved unexpectedly.

It's rare I've been given the opportunity to kick one of my uncle's balls. First thing I notice though is how heavy they are. You really need to kick them hard for them to move. Compared to my own more nimble balls, they really take a slogging - it gives you respect for the older generation- you couldn't be a pansy if you took to the field with balls like these.

My nephew has started playing football now. He doesn't have full-size balls yet, but he's learning how to play with them and control them. At first glance you'll notice they're more colourful than mine- but I think there is a lot more thought and cutting edge technology in his than mine will ever have- it's not just about how they look. My nephew’s balls have been through wind-tunnels and computer simulations to reach perfection.

So before anyone complains about their balls. Stop, they're constantly changing. Everyone is given the same opportunities, some are just better at controlling theirs than others.

I do recommend though, for you to respect your elders, if they even give you the opportunity to kick one of their balls, take it. It's a memory that will stay with you a long time- and give you a lot of respect for the heavy-unwieldy old things they had to lug around.

PART II: Billy suggests some more new words

Continuation from PART I: Billy suggests some new words

21. Commercial organizations attempting to diversify into a market inconsistent with the company’s reputation. E.g.: Davidoff selling chocolates and coffee.

22. When telephoning a large corporation, the short pause which tells you that your (limited) enjoyment of the lo-fi light music is about to be interrupted by a snotty-voiced recorded woman informing you that your call is important to them, but not important enough to be answered right away, or possibly ever.

A typical Starbucks menu that offers more than 223 varieties of
23. Offering a bewildering variety of options that it is impossible for the customer to get what they want. E.g.: Starbucks’ refusal to serve an ordinary cup of coffee.

24. The disgusting tactic of swapping price stickers at an upmarket clothing chain store.

25. The realization that cheap macho-WWF lines will not get you hooked up with a woman at a bar.

26. Indecisive and aimless shoppers pedalling back and forth across like ants.

27. Ready prepared meals which claim to serve two people despite containing less than half a mouthful of food. Their target market is tragic bachelors who don’t even know how to boil an egg.

28. The irrational feeling of shame inspired by accidentally producing the wrong loyalty card in a supermarket.

29. The feminine art of parking. Abandoning a motor vehicle in a convenient position which is out of the way of others rather than proving something which can’t quite be defined by maneuvering the car into a space so small that everybody has to get out through the sunroof or by shattering the windscreen.

30. The wounded look on the face of a techno-freak mobile phone owner who has just realized that someone else in the room has the same phone.

31. An acronym that everybody insists on repeating the last word of. See PIN number, ATM machine, HIV Virus or LCD Display.

32. The subtle vibration which indicates that you are using a mouse whose rollers haven’t been cleaned recently.

33. A person who derives inexplicable satisfaction from removing food from the microwave before it finishes the last beep.

34. Microsoft’s irresistible urge to release a pointless operating system platform every 3 years.

35. To discover by experimentation that a shatterproof ruler isn’t really shatterproof.

36. The glance of envy bestowed on someone who is using a parking spot next to the disabled zone.

37. The state of a dilapidated book, after repeated and drastic efforts to persuade the thing to lie open flat have resulted in the pages coming loose from the binding.

38. Guilty awareness that the hinges on one’s spectacles should have been tightened months ago.

39. Uncomfortable atmosphere generated in a telephone conversation, caused by the other party waiting for a segment of conversation predictable enough to allow him to change the handset to his other ear without missing something important.

40. To look oneself up on the internet- an entirely new form of self abuse for the digital age.