Take those spectacular sound effects. They are, some say, to aid the untrained ear in differentiating a comedy scene from, say, an emotional scene. Hence the TWWAAIING after the hero has delivered a funny dialogue. Or the lamentable screeching of violins beseeching us to cry at the supposed tear jerker of a dialogue. Or that reverberating DHISHKIAOON with a gun shot. Even if the gun has a three foot silencer attached to it.
While we are still on sound and music, let me reveal the commotion our movies cause abroad. The ease with which Bollywood stars slide their hands over the guitar, (twisted faces, wide-open mouths, agonizing over creating music) has put the likes of Santana and Slash into a tizzy.
Moving on from the lyrical horror to a twenty leagues under the ground horror flick. A complete guide to life after death, it will convince you to use only ketchups and jams for make-up once you become a ghost. And to hysterically Ha ha! Hoo hoo! Hee hee! every soul that came your way. Or, if you're a woman, to carry a candle in the night, wearing the whitest of white saris.
And let not those famous action sequences escape our notice. Dare-devilled to put a commando to shame, they have inspired many armies around the world to study the legendary bullet dodging techniques of the Bollywood hero. the best way to make bollocks out of bullets, it has been observed, is to sway wildly, let out a tarzan like cry and run towards your enemy(preferably in slow motion). When hit, increase the swaying and the decibels of the cry.
There's just one little thing left to mention. The millions of questions in the eager young minds of the country. For instance, when the villain points the gun at the hero, why does he wait till the hero gives him a solid punch or listen to the hero burying him in a flurry of meaningless statistics? How come the twenty goons wait eagerly for their thrashing. One at a time.
Doesn't take a genius to realize that yeah..its rubbish after all and hey..if at all you plan to go for a Bollywood flick, make sure you pluck your brains out of your skull and leave them at home!