Friday, May 26, 2006

Let The Games Be Grim

These days, the biggest money-making TV sports are on Pay-Per-View! Bloody boxing matches, bone crunching wrestling spectaculars and organ-rupturing Ultimate Fighting Championships! Every time one is broadcast they rake in millions! But what about boring sports like tennis, golf and others? They're all snoozefests no one in their right mind would ever plop down a fortune to see! So how can these bland sports start raking in those big Pay-Per-View bucks? By simply..

For truly exciting, dangerous and audience-grabbing tennis, nothing beats the mined court. Players are encouraged to memorize the locations of these unmarked mines, but when running for the ball in a heated volley, they might just forget! Also, a well placed shot can set off a mine and send an opponent flying! Doubles matches are particularly entertaining!

An unfortunate victim of Mine Tennis

Few sports are as dull to watch as professional golf. But when a hornet's nest is suspended just a few feet above the ball, the game demands an absolutely flawless swing on the part of the golfer and the excitement soars! This handicap adds a new challenge to the game that will attract more even more violence and tragedy-loving fans to televised golf.

Roller Derby
A popular game in the 1950's, roller derby can once again attract millions of fans by staging matches atop tall buildings..without guardrails. The fickle laws of centrifugal force will become more important to the game than ever, and higher the building, the higher the number of paying viewers!

Ski Jumping
Even a somewhat exciting sport like ski jumping can become boring and repititious, skier after skier. Answer : a solid brick barrier. The participants must now perform expertly clearing it- or else! To insure that the viewers will pay to see this sport, the area around the wall isn't cleaned up until the competition has finished.

A sport that consists of jumping up and down and smashing unreturnable shots makes volleyball a big "so what?" But with the simple addition of a barbed wire, viewers will be on their seats waiting to see a simple foul turn really foul. Pay-per-view promoter's accounts will become green as the sand at these matches becomes red!

Downhill Ski Slalom
Currently, professional skiers lazily wind their way down a course, bumping and bending trail markers as they go. But simply chaining hungry grizzly bear to each flag returns pinpoint precision to the sport! Skiers will consistently break records trying to get off the course as quickly as possible, and viewers will pony up big bucks to watch it!

Inadvertantly lifting one's head or arm during a luge costs an athlete a nanosecond on the timeclock. Who cares? But the addition of a razor-sharp wire strung across the course will cost an athelete much more, all viewed by a bloodthirsty home audience, eagerly waiting for an athelete to inadvertantly lift his head or arm!

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